Others call me by my original birth name, but if without telling them about our dissociative identities, they would never know and think that they are speaking to the person whom they think they are talking to. When I tell someone that I have many names and identities, the typical reaction of this other person I am talking to, would be a little bit surprised. Well, I expected it anyway.
The thing is, we have dissociative identities. They were created as a way, simply to dissociate from the trauma, that are otherwise too unbearable to cope. There are thirteen of us and in our case, we do not have the classic amnesic barrier between switching alters. However, there are parts that have been associated with memory lost of traumatic memories. There are the core, hosts, persecutor, protectors and the little ones. Each of us perceive ourselves differently and thus, act differently.
I am Alice, currently twenty-two years old. The core, Jessica, of whom she died at the age of fifteen by the poly-fragmentation of repetitive trauma. The inactive ones, with the barriers of amnesia, were Jacqui and Poppy. Jacqui had partial memory lost and Poppy had complete memory lost. Due to this memory lost, they were able to feel joy and hope, that right now in this altered state, we cannot do. The active ones are, Alice, which is me, Louise the persecutor, Doll the protector, Lennon the protector, Anne the protector, Amber the protector, Skylar the protector, Vissenta the little one, Piece of Shit the little one and Jasmine the little one. Sometimes, they also have their own alias.
Louise is the persecutor, because she is verbally abusive and physically abusive. She somehow resembles the sadistic personality of our past abusers. She is against the other alters within the system and is inclined to punish them, whoever are feeling good. She just wants to make others miserable. She communicates with piece of shit a lot and makes her cry in humiliation. Piece of shit has no name, because Louise told her that she doesn’t deserves a proper name. Piece of shit doesn’t want to be hurt, but then she is defenceless and suicidal a lot of the times.
Doll is the protector. The reason it is named Doll, because it has no gender. Doll says that we are an object, in a way to dissociate from being neither a female or a male, in this way, she thinks that no one will target Doll anymore, because Doll thinks that by not being a human, another human being will see Doll as invisible, so that Doll feels safe and untouched.
Lennon is also the protector. She protects the system by loving the pain and deriving pleasure from being hurt and humiliated, as a way of survival, because if she loves the pain, then it helps us not to be further shattered by the effect of trauma, which is associated with pain, hurt and humiliation.
Anne is another protector. Her role is a bold one, aggressive and strong in strength, sometimes emotionally unstable. She is treatment resistant. She finds healing is extremely excruciating and thinks that she is about to die, when others are trying to heal her. Therefore, she would come against whoever are trying to bring her out of her comfort zone, because getting onto something new, to know joy and being loved for the very first time is not only frightening to her, but also she wants to secure the system from explosion. She finds that being healed is hurting the system, so she protects it in this way. Being opposite of Alice, Alice wants to be healed and she is the one who goes to counselling, but Anne hates it.
Amber is our protector as well. She brings us to our safe hiding place in first-person perspective, for this is her job. This is done through the form of pseudo-hallucination, where she would merge the physical realm with this alternative realm for the scared and traumatised little ones to hide. She brings us to the underground and sometimes places above ground, in isolation. She has her own job in this mode.
Skylar is the protector too. Her job is depersonalisation and derealisation, in dissociation from the trauma. This was the reason why it created the other amnesic alters over the years through this coping mechanism. In this mode, we would experience in third-person perspective, like an out-of-body experience, floating out of space, completely disconnected from our physical surroundings, emotions and feelings in a regular basis. She helps especially to buffer our suicidality.
Vissenta is a very traumatised little girl. She curls up all of her hands and fingers, shy, introverted and mute. She has attachment issues, while Alice has severe detachment issues. Then Jasmine, who is a little bit more positive, she does laugh here and there, with childlike quality and a bit of sadness.
In conclusion, we have different modes as the same individual. The names are there to identify us more easily. Other than thinking dissociative identities as something “crazy” or a person being out of their mind, the dissociation actually helps us to stay in touch with reality and function properly.