Below is a conversation that I had with my therapist in the room.
Therapist: “Come on in, Alice.” she looks at me in the eyes.
Me: following her as we enter into the therapy room
Therapist: “How have you been since the last time I saw you?”
Me: “I was humiliating myself in order to sleep in peace.”
Therapist: “Alice, do you know that the reason you want to get hurt and humiliated is, paradoxically, as a way of survival, so that you will not be further shattered by the trauma?”
Me: I started sitting my entire self on the sofa, by hopping up my legs to the sofa, instead of the floor. Looking traumatised, I switched and started speaking. “We’re objects.”
Therapist: “No, you are not an object, but a real little person.”
Me: “We’re objects” I repeated.
Therapist: “Objects can’t speak, can’t move, can’t talk and can’t think. Humans can speak and I don’t want to sound mean, but you can speak.” she said compassionately.
Therapist: “Also, there is no humiliation to happen in my office.” she added.
Me: I started to lie down completely sideways on the couch and was crying again. All of my fingers and hands were curled up against myself, with my legs bent together.
Therapist: she started to hold my left hand and said “Your hand is so cold and rigid.”
Me: I was crying louder this time across the entire room that the people outside might have heard it also. While I was still lying on the couch, my hair was covering across my face, blocking my nose.
Therapist: “How can you breathe with the hair on your face?” she warmly asked and with her hand, she was putting away the hair from my face to let me breathe.
Me: still crying, I did not respond her at all.
Therapist: she also was placing her hand onto my other upper arm and was gently stroking it to comfort me. “Can you tell me where are you hurting, darling?”
Me: when I started to look at her in the eyes after a while avoiding her, she then said…
Therapist: “Do you want me to look away?” as she assumed that I didn’t want to be seen.