Below is a conversation that I had with my therapist in the room.
Therapist: “Come on in, Alice”
Therapist: “What have you been doing last week?”
Me: “I have been dissociating a lot at home.”
Therapist: “Alice, do you know that dissociation, apart from seeing it as a disorder, it was actually really clever of you to dissociate yourself, because by dissociating yourself, you are separating from feeling the pain of the trauma.”
Me: started dissociating again in front of my therapist, this time I am a little girl.
Therapist: “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she was repeating her saying a few times, because she noticed that I started sobbing. She also was gently stroking on my back to comfort me.
Me: “I want to die, I want to die…”
Therapist: “I hear you. What do you want right now?”
Me: without responding her, I was crawling across the floor as she observed me.
Therapist: as she was sitting on her seat again, I crawled over to where she is sitting and kneeling on my knees, my face on the ground and she asked “How can you breathe on the ground, sweetheart?”
Me: she then handed me a tissue for me to wipe my tears away. I started to lean myself on her lower leg and my head looking down, touching on her knees, as I was sitting on the carpet floor still. With my curled up hand upon her lower leg, I was still crying. She then continuously stroke my back to comfort me.
Therapist: after a while, she was holding me with both of her arms around my waist, cuddling me for a moment to calm me down, being closely chest-to-chest. She then stood up and told me “Can you hold both of my hands?” as I was on the ground still.
Me: I held onto both of her hands.
Therapist: “Good girl.”
Therapist: “Can you squeeze both of my hands as tight as possible?”
Me: I then followed her as she was guiding me into some grounding techniques.
Therapist: as both of us sat together on the sofa, she asked me a lot of questions about recognising the surroundings, including the colours and objects that I can observe. She was trying to make me feel more in the presence, than being trapped into the past.