Below is a conversation that I had with my therapist in the room.
Therapist: “Come on in, Alice.”
Me: following her into the room, I looked at the window in the room, where the lights were shining in, brightening up the whole space.
Therapist: “I know that you have told me how it takes so much courage just to come and see me, by getting out of bed, get dressed and drive to this place. I feel honoured that you have opened up with me about yourself. I understand that it makes sense of you not able to speak at all, because you are too traumatised to do so, as you’ve told me in the past.”
Me: “Yes, I’m forcing myself to speak up, because otherwise it hurts too much to utter even a word. I would rather want to stay silent for days, weeks, years or even forever.”
Me: “Also, since the trauma has amplified my feelings a thousand times more, I get hurt even hearing the slightest of sound, having the slightest of movement, of thought, of speech and even being touched.”
Therapist: “So, how do you cope with it on a daily basis?”
Me: “I don’t really know, because even the slightest thing around me triggers the memories of trauma, including just a chair that is right now in front of me.”
Therapist: “Will you sometimes go out, such as visiting the mall or walking down on the street to somewhere?”
Me: “I find it really hard, because I get paranoid even at home. It feels like that everyone is a threat to me, and that there is nowhere safe at all to stay in.”
Therapist: “Do you think I would hurt you?”
Me: “Honestly, yes.”
Therapist: “I know that there are some parts of you that are still building their trusts in me. You can tell them to test me robustly, and not just face value, by promising them that I will never hurt them.”
Therapist: “How are you feeling, right now?” she added.
Me: “I am okay.”
Therapist: “Please know that I care and I’m thinking about you all.”
Me: at the end of the session, she offered me by filling in a cup of water for me, because I was acting pretty emotional and dissociative.