Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, – Philippians 3:8

This is the very first post that I am writing for the Recovery Series. To be honest, writing this very first post has been a lot of inner struggle for me, because there is part of me that wants to be healed and there is another part of me that resists healing, because she finds it extremely excruciating, for what is new to her is frightening. Pain has become our comfort zone, due to the persistent trauma that we have been through. But, what is opposite of that is something we have never got used to it and got in touch of it. In every post of this series, I will be using one scriptural verse at a time, as we go through the journey of healing. It is my hope that the post would not only benefit me, but also others who are also suffering from this same psychiatric condition, complex trauma or C-PTSD, for you are not alone in this battle.

There are many ways in this world that are offered as the way of help, for there are counsellors and psychologists who help those who are struggling with the impact of trauma and there are psychiatrists in the world today who helps through the prescription of medication. However, there is a capital C for Counsellor, who is Jesus Christ, the true Counsellor of the heart, comparing to other little c for counsellors in this world. Not that they are not important in this life to support us, as what I am doing right now too, but my point here is that everything goes back to the Maker of the heart, for what the heart needs repair of, it really all comes back to the One who originated the heart and with Jesus, all things are made possible, for He is the God of the universe and that there is no other one who is higher than the God of Israel, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and the God of the bible, who has risen and alive forevermore.

There was a time back then last year in May, 2017, where Jesus has told me personally that the greatest gain is through the pain that I have went through in this life. During that time was the time I was dealing with a crisis in my life, because I was on the edge of death, often in life-threatening condition, where I was acutely suicidal, so much that I was hospitalised for a suicide plan. Back then in early 2017, I was seriously not only thinking about ending my life, but I really had the plan to do it. I was in a state where without thinking twice, I would just drown myself to death, and there would be nothing happier than to do this than to see my own existence to be gone forever from this world. But, there was something, because God was behind the scene and He was holding me back from this suicidal urge, that was persisting every millisecond of the day, day after day, as I had nothing to live for and all I was thinking was just wanting to die. All I wanted to do was to die, because I had at that point, have lost my complete will to live.

The greatest gain is through the pain, the pain that I have been through in this life, all the trauma, all the abuse, all the humiliation, rejection, abandonment, suffering that I have been through, of all the complexity of the trauma that I have been through repetitively in this life, God has helped me to see that through all these pain and suffering and hurt has brought myself to Him and all of these things that I have been through, were I able to find Him in my life. So, that is why I have been quoting Philippians 3:8 today, for it says about counting everything that was lost in this way and to have that singular focus, the focus in Christ, who is better than life, knowing that Christ has given His all for me on the cross, that through the cross that I was saved, that I was forgiven of my sins, that I was able to know that peace in Him that surpasses all understanding, of a love that is unconditional, perfect and unfailing and to know with assurance of my place in Him for an eternity in heaven, of a life without pain and sorrows anymore.

This verse has helped me to move forward in this life. I have been suicidal since the age of ten and I was traumatised back then that started as early as in early childhood of my life until now, however, it was God who has saved myself from ending my life back then, because of the truth that He has given me. The Lord Jesus has helped me to move on every second, a moment to moment battle every single day, of helping me to cope with my suicidality that I am still fighting right now. The Holy Spirit has always been there for me, despite I cannot see His supernatural workings in the background. Jesus has revealed to me that there is nothing better than to know Him in this life, despite all the sufferings of this life, if I am to suffer the worst type of abuse in this world to gain Christ, I would, because He has revealed to me who He really is to me. Even right now, if I am to go back to my early childhood and have it redone again, I would rather gain Christ than to lose Him and I never ever regretful of having been through all of these trauma and abuse, that has brought me close to Him, that I would never ever be able to do it, if without the trauma.

The reason Jesus is better than life, because while the world is running to and fro, finding the swallow things to satisfy the void of their hearts, but the true contentment and filling of that void of the heart is through Jesus, because He is the key to everyone of our hearts. He is the answer and He is the WHAT that we are looking for. He is the One that has never forsaken me, when I was in my lowest of the low, in the worst traumatic experience that I had, in times when I was so abused in my life that I felt I was all alone, but the fact is, even though everyone has left your side in this life, Jesus is always there for you and me. There is nothing better than Jesus, in exchange of the things of this world and even the sufferings of this life to gain Christ, because the love that Jesus has can never be obtained in this world. The love that He has for us is so unconditional, that even while we were yet sinners, as the scriptures said, that Christ died for us. This is no small thing, for the Word says that there is no greater love than a man die for his friend.