Thou shalt not kill. – Exodus 20:13
Even though, this is just a four worded commandment, but it was a verse that has sustained my life until now. There were countless of times that I wanted to end my life so badly. I was depressed as a child when I was seven and was suicidal since the age of ten. Many times, I could have ended my life, but somehow I feel that God was behind this. There were countless of times that I was so fragmented, I knew that it was able to lead down the road to suicide, however, times and times again, I have found myself breathing and alive, which is really hard to believe, even until now. I have always struggled with suicidal depression all throughout my life and have been diagnosed with Major Depression or Clinical Depression at the age of twenty-one by my psychiatrist, however, it was only diagnosed the time I was hospitalised for a suicide plan. When I have asked my psychiatrist that I felt it was way earlier back then when I was fourteen years old, but actually more of the time when I was ten years old, and my doctor said that he is not surprised, because it is reasonable, of the complex trauma that I have went through all throughout my life.
Many times, I have been struggling with suicidal ideations and intents, because I started to become suicidal at the age of ten, when I was bullied at school. Then, it got a lot worse when I was thirteen, because during that time, I was both sexually abused and bullied at the same time, with a background of trauma that was already from the past. Then, I was being intervened by my school counsellor during that time. At the age of sixteen, I was extremely dissociated to seperate myself from the pain, caused by the trauma itself. I was fantasising throughout the day of how to kill myself, even during the time I was at school. To the time when I was twenty-one, I had a suicide plan that led me to hospitalisation and near the age of twenty-two, I was once again intervened by police officers, after calling Lifeline that I seriously wanted to end my life. I actually have phoned Lifeline for multiple times, where I was risking myself to be re-hospitalised again for many times, especially last year. I was even risking myself of being hospitalised again by my GP.
Living with anhedonia is a very awful feeling. The core symptom of Major Depression on a background of chronic dysthymia, as what my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with, is a condition where I have lost my complete ability to feel joy. What it means is that whatever that I do, no matter how pleasurable or enjoying that it seems, I just have no reaction to it, because nothing positive can cheer me up anymore. I have even lost my interest in things that I once interested in. The brightest and most beautiful day ever that there is, to me with suicidal depression every single second, is but an eternally dark withering place. I still remained hopeless, despite knowing how bright my future will be.
I have survived time and time again from ending my life. I actually have been holding onto this verse of Exodus 20:13, whenever I think about ending my life, no matter how acutely the urge was, it was extremely hard for me to go through it and to reverse my way back all the time. There were many times that I could have just gave in, without thinking twice, of ending my life, because I hated myself with a passion so much, that there was nothing better to do than to end my own existence. However, I have found out that even with suicide, it was not the answer that I was looking for. I wanted the annihilation of my existence, because I was to the point that I loathed at the thought that I was still existing. I hated every bit of myself, because I felt a complete worthlessness in me and a hopelessness in me indescribable.
The reason annihilation of myself was not the answer through suicide, is because I have found out that our spirits are eternal, because the scripture back in the book of Genesis, it said that we are made in the image of God and that God is eternal. It means that our spirits are eternal, and it is just the matter of fact of which eternal place a person will go to, whether it is in heaven or hell as said in the scripture. The Lord Jesus has always been there for me, even when I did not know about it or aware of it, because it was the truth of knowing this that I was able to stay away from ending my life and then getting into a place that is out of my initial expectation. Also, with the commandment about “thou shall not murder”, this may seem to just apply on killing of another person, however, this is also applying to the murdering of self.
I know it is hard to swallow, especially in the perspective of the already traumatised person, like me, who can see no other way, who has fought and fought and can fight no more and the only way out, seemed like was the answer through suicide. Although, suicide, from what I have learnt from my past experience is never the way out. It seems like it is a way out of the pain in this earthly life, but what lies ahead, especially if one is not right with God, would be very hard to imagine and hell is a place that the finite mind that we have cannot fathom, let alone for an eternity. It seems like a harsh reality to even believe that self-murder would end up in a place called hell, but this is something that has been holding me back times and times again, thus I am still alive today. I am actually very thankful that I am still ALIVE today, regardless of how in the past, all I wanted to do was to die and not live anymore. I am so glad that I did not went against the commandment of God and did my own way, by killing myself, because the bible says that it is a sin.
There is a way out and there is this sole solution and answer through Christ Jesus. I have eventually learnt that God is both the giver of life and the finisher of this life that we have. There is no right of us to take our own lives, because this means it is destroying the plan of God in that person’s life. There is a perfect plan that God has for each and everyone of us; a plan that is for the good of us that God has thought it out. His plans are always perfect and good, and that as the word says that His ways are always higher than our ways. There is hope that can be restored through Jesus. He is knocking at the door of your heart, will you invite Him into the deepest recesses of your heart? For those who have been through suicidal depression like me, and/or is a surviver of chronic abuse, you are not alone. He knows your pain and He knows more than we know about ourselves, for He knows all and He sees all. He collects every tear that you have ever shed and the pain that you have gone through, He is there to carry you through the storm.