For with God nothing shall be impossible. – Luke 1:37
I have been through six types of trauma in my life, where I was traumatised repetitively and in a prolonged period of time. I have a long suicidal history and have been suffering from chronic depression since the age of seven. I was traumatised since early childhood, all throughout adolescence and right now in adulthood. In this physical realm, there were a lot of times that I could not find my way out. Even right now, I am feeling so confused, because despite my mind has been trying to work its way out of the traumatic memories and the traumatised state that I am in right now, by recalling the memories from the start of my life until the present time, I am still left in a clueless state as to how can all of these be resolved. I feel like I am being trapped into a labyrinth, where I cannot see the exit in front of me.
The reason I have quoted Luke 1:37 today, is because despite how complex the trauma is by itself, there is nothing too complicated for God to fix it and there is nothing that seems to be too impossible for God to heal, because this verse says that in God, all things are made possible, including healing the deepest of wound that one has. Even though, living with complex trauma myself, the wounds cannot be seen physically, however, the pain is as real as the physical and even worse, by my experience, because the pain can always be triggered by memory and I would have to relive the pain over and over again, as though it just happened today, right here right now.
I have been struggling with suicidal ideations, suicidal intents and suicidal tendencies all throughout my life. When I saw a rope, I would think nothing but to just want to hang myself to death. When I saw a pool of water, I would think about no nothing and just want to drown myself to death and I would not be happier than to see the cessation of my own existence. When I saw a knife, all I wanted to do was to cut myself to bleed to death. I have been suicidal when I was ten, then at thirteen, I was being intervened by my school counsellor, at the age of sixteen, I was severely suicidal and depressed and at the age of twenty-one, I had a suicide plan and was hospitalised and at the age of near twenty-two, I was once again was intervened by police officers, coming up to my home in the middle of the night at 4am, after calling up for Lifeline in crisis, because I was suicidal and in immediate danger to myself.
Through all of these, my therapist has told me in astonishment, in which I only have realised the time she has told me what she was thinking. She has told me that time and time again, having been through all of these trauma and suicidal history, it truly has reflected the inner strength of myself. I then told her many times, time and time again of how I cannot believe that I am still alive today. I was viewing the calendar, the year and the date, including the hour and I was sitting and was left in astonishment also. I cannot believe that I am still alive. Many people that I have known has told me that it was the prayers and God who had sustained me. I am thankful for God that I have not taken my life yet. Right now, even though I am still on my journey to recovery, but The Lord Jesus has been helping me to cope, taking one little step at a time. I have been able to go slowly, one moment at a time, just to stay myself from suicide.
There was a time that God has revealed to me that through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, who is the light and compass in my path in the darkness, He is able to bring me out of the maze, out of this labyrinth that I am trapped in, because He knows all and knows my past and my tomorrows. All I have to do right now is to look up to that guiding light in all these trappings of the maze and as I follow Him one step at a time, I would then be able to see the way to exit eventually. I know that with trust comes with much pain. Being abused and traumatised my whole life, I have as explained in another post in the past that I have paranoia, because having been through trauma my whole life, which my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), is a condition where it has led me feeling paranoid at everything and everyone and everywhere around me as unsafe, because repetitive trauma and abuse itself has taught me that my boundary was violated time and time again, so much that I could trust anyone anymore, even those who seem to have good intentions, because in time past, those who were of good intention has played a role in this incredibly traumatised state that I am in right now.
No matter how impossible that you think you are in this situation right now, of how traumatised, how abused, how hurt you have been, how broken, how shattered and fragmented, there is nothing that is too hard for God to heal you. All you have to do is to allow the healing process to begin. Initially, I was reluctant to be healed, because of trust issues. I was trying to hold the hand of Jesus like a little child, trusting her own father, however, there were times that I was holding back and was doubting whether He would hurt me like others who have done to me in the past, of the trauma and abuse that I have suffered all throughout my life. Although, Jesus has proved time and time again that He never hurts me, because He is unlike the world, as there is no evil in Him as said in the word, but only with eyes of mercy and grace that I can see, as His arms are opened wide to embrace both you and me to defy the impossibility of this human life. When things seem to be broken beyond repair, healing is possible through God. When you think that you have gone too far and have been poly-fragmented, like me, who cannot recognise my own substance anymore, God is able to heal, because His promise is sure and never failing, for God never lies.