Where have the memories gone? I felt like there was something that happened to me, but I was just not aware of it, especially the time before I was hospitalised last year. I felt like there was a huge chunk of memories were removed off from my mind and I had no idea about it. It lasted for years and it started when I was depersonalising myself on a daily basis. I was depressed since the age of seven, and I started depersonalising myself at the age of thirteen and it became stronger overtime, where I would lose time and am completely disconnected from all of my emotions, feelings and physical surroundings, observing myself in a third-person perspective in an out-of-body experience kind of way. I was fragmented from the start of my life, then all throughout adolescence and up to adulthood, right now at the age of twenty-two.
The fragmentation was so extreme, I was able to feel the fragmentation not only psychologically, but it involved some physical sensation when I was fragmented over the years, by the effect of trauma. Only right now, have I learnt that since the trauma was so severe and was so overwhelming for my mind to cope with, it has hidden the traumatic memories deep down in my psyche, where only triggers upon triggers over the years were I able to be unveiled and see what has truly happened to me in the past. The poly-fragmentation that I had in the past was repetitive, I started to be fragmented as a little child, if counting by age, there were multiple fragmentations that I had, which has separated me into multiple parts. I was fragmented at the age of four to seven, eight, nine, ten and each and every single year that I could not even count it.
I was especially amnesic when I was eighteen years of age, back in 2013 until 2016. I was a completely different person. My mind was blocking all of those unprocessed trauma at the very back of my brain and I had no sign of suicidal depression in me. I was able to feel joy unspeakable and hope for the future. I was bright and full of life. I was a completely different person back then, under the complete effect of amnesia, where I was not able to recall any traumatic memories that have happened to me, only until the time it was under intensive triggers that I was able to recover those memories. Through the amnesia, I was able to make it to the day of graduation from my university degree. I know that I would not be able to finish it, if I was in such a traumatised state that I am right now, because right now, I am just too traumatised that I cannot even resume my further studies for my masters degree. I have stopped two years right now and am still recovering full-time at home from my psychiatric disability, that was crippled by complex trauma.