My Suicidal History

To share about my story, I was depressed since the age of seven. Then, at the age of ten, I had clear suicidal intent and the suicidal tendencies kept growing stronger over the years. At the age of thirteen, I was very suicidal and wanted to die so badly. It somehow got into the attention of my school counsellor and she was intervening with my suicidality. Then, at the age of sixteen, I had very clear suicidal ideations and also at the age of twenty, where I would absolutely would without thinking twice, kill myself, which I was nothing more happier than to do this. At the age of twenty-one, I had a suicide plan and got intervened with the CATT team. They then forced me to be medicated, so as to stabilise me.

Many times, I have been acutely suicidal, very much on the edge of killing myself, whether be it hanging myself to death, wounding myself to death with a knife or drowning myself to death in a pool of water. I have always been fantasising about drowning myself in a pool of water.

There were times I was so acutely suicidal, I also have texted my therapist in great distress and she always has been attentive to my needs to help me. She would welcome me to sms her in times of crisis and I have her email, where I can contact her directly between sessions. There were two times that I was feeling like I could not hold the excruciating pain within me anymore, that she actually has phoned in to support me. The first time lasted for forty-four minutes and the second time, an hour and seven minutes. I am really thankful, because I have been hanging on by a thread, literally. And, I could not believe that I am alive right now!