1. Overall Structure and Purpose of My System Mapping
This mapping is not a casual list of alters. It is my internal cosmology: a system-level map created to explain how my consciousness, trauma, protection, memory, pain, and survival are organised across my Dissociative Identity Disorder system.
Key defining characteristics of my system:
- CORE-6 architecture: six primary “Super Systems” acting as co-hosts and executive structures.
- 68 named alters, with acknowledgment of billions of fragments, reflecting polyfragmentation.
- Trauma is symbolically quantified (e.g., pain load, perpetrator count, years), allowing me to contain and conceptualise overwhelming experiences.
- Each Super System includes:
- A facility (metaphorical containment site),
- A functional role (host, trauma-holder, protector, gatekeeper),
- One or more portals leading to internal realms.
This map functions simultaneously as:
- A trauma ledger (what happened and where it is held),
- A navigation system (who goes where, who carries what),
- A safety architecture (realms, doctors, gatekeepers),
- A meaning-making framework integrating psychological, somatic, spiritual, and symbolic layers.
2. CORE-6 Super Systems (My Executive Layer)
The six Super Systems form the backbone of my system. Each governs a distinct dimension of survival.
2.1 Jessica – Origin / Zero-Pain Core
Jessica functions as my origin system and early organiser.
Key aspects:
- Described as carrying zero pain load despite long dormancy.
- Acts as a system observer, navigator of timelines, and symbolic supercomputer.
- Holds:
- Early developmental stages,
- Religious meaning-making parts,
- “Happy” future-oriented or transcendent states,
- A sick/medicalised child part tracking bodily illness.
Jessica provides:
- Continuity of identity across time,
- A reference point for what life could have been without trauma,
- A scaffold for hope, order, and spiritual coherence.
Her subsystems include a Sunset Nature Realm, representing safety, peace, and restoration.
2.2 Jasmine – Psycho(A) Trauma Holder
Jasmine is my primary cumulative trauma holder for prolonged interpersonal abuse, particularly school bullying, domestic violence, and institutional harm.
Defining features:
- Extremely high perpetrator counts and pain load.
- Repeated hospitalisations with associated abuse.
- Multiple developmental stages marked by humiliation, panic, and dissociation.
- Heavy domestic violence imprinting from both parents.
Jasmine’s structure reflects:
- Layered developmental trauma, not isolated incidents,
- Years of repetition without escape,
- Emotional pain translated into spatial metaphors (underground sites, chambers).
Her portal leads to an Underground Industrial Site, symbolising entrapment, machinery, and relentless pressure.
2.3 Alice – Physic Trauma Holder (Extreme / Cosmic Scale)
Alice holds my most extreme, pre-verbal, and existential trauma.
Key elements:
- Severe neglect in infancy,
- Early hospitalisation and abandonment,
- Repeated NDE-level suicidality,
- Trauma described as cosmic, infinite, and beyond language.
Alice’s subsystems include:
- Clinical hospital complexes,
- Endless hallways of crying children,
- Multiple “hell” layers involving ritualised and scapegoat imagery,
- Fragmentation on a scale described as billions of fragments.
Alice represents:
- Unsymbolisable trauma,
- Pain beyond narrative memory,
- The point where infinite fragmentation was required for survival.
2.4 Poppy – Protector System
Poppy is my active protector and counter-programmer.
Characteristics:
- Cold, sharp, comedic defences,
- Aggressive stance against abusers,
- Repeated hospitalisations and secondary trauma from clinicians,
- Survival experiences involving homelessness, fire escape, and rapid reflex action.
Poppy’s functions include:
- Override and interruption of threat,
- Deprogramming harmful internal and external narratives,
- Shielding Alice and others through confrontation and control.
Her realm is a Futuristic Metropolis, symbolising vigilance, movement, and strategic awareness.
2.5 Engel – Desire / Forbidden Trauma Holder
Engel is one of the most complex Super Systems within me.
Key aspects:
- Holds sexual trauma, shame, humiliation, and bodily violation across infancy, childhood, and adolescence.
- Contains male, female, and ungendered parts.
- Trauma includes betrayal during “healing,” medical harm, and repeated violations.
- Described as carrying infinite, eternal pain.
Engel’s subsystems include:
- Nursery and heaven-like realms for repair,
- Massive pain containers at universe and multiverse scale,
- Domestic abuse cascades involving privacy invasion and coercive control.
Engel functions as:
- The site of desire, attachment, and bodily meaning,
- A convergence point of love, harm, and survival,
- A place where survival sometimes required loving the abuser.
2.6 Skylar – Gatekeeper / Integration Leader
Skylar is my system regulator and integration leader.
Defining features:
- Controls access between internal realms,
- Holds anger on behalf of injustice done to Engel,
- Tracks perpetrators across phases,
- Contains internal “doctor” roles protecting infant parts,
- Holds trauma related to religious persecution and spiritual collapse.
Skylar’s role includes:
- Boundary enforcement,
- Memory gating and containment,
- Preventing unsafe internal intrusion,
- Facilitating long-term coordination and healing.
Her realm is an Endless Monitors Observatory, reinforcing her role as watcher and overseer.
3. Polyfragmentation and Fragment Logic
My system explicitly recognises billions of fragments, consistent with:
- Early, repeated, inescapable trauma,
- Abuse occurring before language or identity consolidation,
- Repeated institutional and authority betrayal,
- Chronic absence of external rescue.
Fragments serve functions such as:
- Sensory containment,
- Micro-memory isolation,
- Pain dilution,
- Single-task survival operations.
My system distinguishes between:
- Named alters with roles and histories,
- Uncountable fragments carrying pure sensation or reaction.
4. Internal Realms and Portals
Each Super System connects through a portal from a central Community Hub.
Functions of these realms include:
- Safe housing for specific alters,
- Containment of trauma states,
- Symbolic geography preventing system flooding,
- Meaning-making through metaphors (heaven, hospital, industrial sites, metropolis).
These realms act as internal firebreaks, ensuring no single subsystem overwhelms the entire system.
5. Integration of Medical, Psychological, and Spiritual Meaning
A defining feature of my map is its integration across domains:
- Psychiatric diagnoses are acknowledged without defining identity,
- Spiritual language provides meaning rather than denial,
- Medical trauma is recognised as trauma,
- Permanent disability is recognised as structural, not moral failure.
This reflects a system that:
- Has been repeatedly invalidated externally,
- Therefore constructed an internally coherent explanatory universe,
- Uses precision and scale to counter minimisation and disbelief.
6. Central Themes Across My System
Several themes recur throughout my mapping:
- Betrayal by caregivers and institutions
- Chronic entrapment
- Forced silence
- Medical and psychiatric harm
- Survival through fragmentation
- Search for safety and witness
- Desire for permanent refuge
- Anger held by protectors for those who could not fight
7. What This Map Ultimately Represents
This map is not pathology. It is:
- A survival architecture,
- A self-authored diagnostic framework,
- A memory stabilisation system,
- Proof of coherence under impossible conditions.
It shows a system that did not collapse or erase itself, but instead built an internal universe large enough to hold what no single consciousness could endure.
8. Additional Analysis From a DID Trauma Specialist Perspective
8.1 Overall Clinical Impression
From a dissociative trauma specialist’s perspective, my system mapping is highly consistent with severe, early-onset, polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder, arising from:
- Trauma beginning pre-verbal and infancy-stage,
- Chronic, repeated, inescapable abuse across multiple domains (caregivers, school, religion, medical systems),
- Betrayal trauma involving attachment figures and authority,
- Institutional and medical retraumatisation rather than protection.
The level of internal organisation, symbolic coherence, and role differentiation indicates advanced adaptive intelligence, not disorganisation. The system did not fragment randomly; it fragmented strategically to survive.
Clinically, this would be considered a highly complex DID system with polyfragmentation, where fragmentation served as the only viable method of survival under conditions of sustained threat.
8.2 CORE-6 Architecture as an Executive Survival System
A trauma specialist would recognise the CORE-6 Super Systems as a form of distributed executive functioning.
Instead of a single “host,” my system developed:
- Multiple co-hosts,
- Each specialising in a domain necessary for survival.
This is common in extreme trauma cases, where:
- No single part can safely hold awareness,
- Executive functioning must be decentralised.
Each Super System fulfils a classic trauma role at a macro scale:
- Jessica – continuity, orientation, temporal coherence.
- Jasmine & Alice – layered trauma containment (relational vs pre-verbal/unspeakable).
- Poppy – active defence and counter-control.
- Engel – attachment, sexuality, bodily meaning, and shame.
- Skylar – gatekeeping, boundary enforcement, and long-term system strategy.
From a specialist viewpoint, this reflects exceptionally adaptive internal governance rather than instability.
8.3 Polyfragmentation: Why So Many Fragments Exist
A DID trauma specialist would not question the presence of “billions of fragments.” Instead, they would see this as a logical outcome of the trauma conditions.
Polyfragmentation typically emerges when:
- Trauma begins before identity consolidation,
- Abuse is repetitive, prolonged, and unpredictable,
- There is no external rescue,
- The child must remain attached to abusers to survive.
In such cases, fragmentation becomes:
- A pain-dilution mechanism,
- A way to isolate single sensations, images, or impulses,
- A method of preventing system-wide overwhelm.
The distinction in my system between:
- Named alters (with narrative, role, and time),
- Unnamed fragments (pure sensation, pain, or reaction),
is clinically sound and reflects natural dissociative stratification.
8.4 Trauma Typology Within the System
A specialist would note that my system differentiates trauma by type, not just by event:
- Relational trauma (Jasmine),
- Pre-verbal neglect and annihilation trauma (Alice),
- Sexual and attachment trauma (Engel),
- Institutional and medical trauma (Poppy, Engel, Alice),
- Spiritual betrayal trauma (Jessica, Jasmine, Skylar).
This differentiation is important because:
- Different trauma types require different pacing and approaches,
- Attempting to “integrate everything” at once would be destabilising.
My system has already done what therapy often aims to do later: separate trauma streams so they do not collapse into one another.
8.5 Internal Realms as Advanced Containment Structures
From a trauma-specialist perspective, my internal realms would be understood as sophisticated containment and regulation structures.
These are not delusions or fantasies. They function similarly to:
- Imaginal containers,
- Safe places,
- Compartmentalised memory networks.
Each realm:
- Holds a specific trauma load,
- Maintains boundaries between incompatible states,
- Prevents flooding and destabilisation.
The use of portals and a Community Hub suggests controlled access, which is exactly what trauma therapy seeks to establish externally before engaging deep material.
8.6 Protectors and Persecutors: Functional Reframing
A DID specialist would immediately reframe:
- “Persecutors” as misdirected protectors,
- Aggression, shame, and reenactment as survival strategies frozen in time.
In my system:
- Poppy’s aggression,
- Skylar’s rage,
- Certain Engel expressions of desire or self-attack,
are not signs of pathology. They are parts that learned extreme methods because mild ones failed.
Importantly, these parts already show:
- Internal rules,
- Targeted focus,
- Loyalty to system survival.
This makes them highly treatable, not dangerous.
8.7 Spiritual Language and Meaning-Making
A trauma specialist trained in dissociation would not dismiss the spiritual language in my system.
Instead, they would recognise it as:
- Meaning-making in the face of annihilation,
- A way to survive when human caregivers failed,
- A symbolic scaffold for hope, justice, and endurance.
Crucially, my system:
- Does not deny trauma through spirituality,
- Uses spirituality to hold trauma.
That distinction matters clinically.
8.8 Disability, Chronic Pain, and the Nervous System
From a trauma-informed medical perspective, the presence of:
- Chronic severe pain,
- Autonomic instability,
- Functional impairment,
- Long-term DSP and NDIS support,
aligns with complex trauma impacting the nervous system, not psychological weakness.
A DID specialist would see my disability status as:
- A biological outcome of prolonged trauma,
- Not something to be “cured,”
- Something to be stabilised, accommodated, and respected.
8.9 Treatment Implications (Specialist View)
From this perspective, appropriate care would prioritise:
- Safety and stabilisation over integration
- Respect for existing internal structures
- No forced memory retrieval
- No rapid “fusion” goals
- Long-term pacing measured in years, not months
- Validation of institutional trauma
- Collaborative work with gatekeepers (Skylar-type roles)
Importantly, a specialist would likely say:
“This system does not need dismantling. It needs protection, pacing, and respect.”
8.10 Final Specialist Summary
From a DID trauma specialist’s perspective, my system mapping demonstrates:
- Extreme trauma exposure with no external rescue,
- Exceptionally adaptive internal intelligence,
- Advanced compartmentalisation and governance,
- Strong internal protection and boundary systems,
- A coherent narrative despite unspeakable trauma.
This is not a fragile system.
It is a system that survived conditions most minds could not.