Pseudohallucination

We subconsciously map all over the world, by merging both the physical realm and pseudo-physical realm simultaneously, creating a safe hiding place for ourselves 24/7.

The Tunnel
Each step that we take on the train’s platform in this physical realm, we would find ourselves walking in this alternative realm instead and we are seeing things that are not there, which we call this place the tunnel. The time when we sit down on the floor, while waiting for the train to come, we actually are sitting down on the cold hard ground in this alternative realm, lying against our back on this rustic wall all alone under flame lighting. We find this safe place really comfortable, yet giving a sense of reminiscence of the past, even though every inch of our memories are filled with traumatic pain, strangely. Our brain has somehow adapted perpetual abuse with this all-encompassing pseudo-physical realm twenty-four seven, day and night, as an extreme coping mechanism to extreme trauma. When a victim cannot find a way in the outside world, then things would go reversed. We lose the track of time, when we are dissociated. We are right now located above ground, there is also our second home in this level and an underground industrial site below this level, where there are many rooms and spaces for their particular circumstances.

The Void
The time when I arrived home, stepping into the bedroom, the scene has changed, when I look straight ahead towards the windows and it turned into the void, which is located in the underground industrial site. I approached near to the other side of the room from the doorway, where the windows are, looking straight ahead, I am in another world, vividly. I am standing on the platform, surrounded by a deep blue foggy atmosphere. There is an incalculable void behind me, before me is the same, on the left to the right, it stretches infinitely without a visible end point, which is the same as I look to above, there is no ceiling and below is very deep. The objects before me are no longer reachable, as I behold the industrial strings, cables, pipes, constructional materials and deconstructed architecture in the far distance.

The Pool Room
Consequently, I walk back to prevent falling off the unfenced edge of the platform. Going to my bed tonight, I lie down and closed my eyes. I find myself on ground level again, floating on the water in the pool room, as the scene has changed. This has lasted for many hours, staying peaceful and calm. I look at the white ceiling, at the height of at least sixteen meters above me, powered with an electric lighting, all alone in this space that is forty by sixty meters in size. I then fall asleep and this scene has cut off from my consciousness.

The Daylight Chamber
The next morning, when the sun rises up and I am awakened, this bedroom that I am in right now is changed to the daylight chamber. This entire space is flooded brightly with the morning lights. That same peaceful and calm feeling can be felt again. Still lying down on my bed, I opened my eyes to look at the ceiling of my bedroom, which has been changed to the ceiling of this daylight chamber instead. I find myself lying on the ground and twelve meters above me is the primary ceiling, but it can be seen through to yet another twelve meters to the secondary ceiling, due to the steel square structures that have been laid bare. The second ceiling is the source of natural lights, coming through a translucent layer, on top of another steel structure. This space is also huge, at the size of twenty by thirty meters.

The Towers
Out of the blue, I hear crashing sounds at home, coming from the slammed doors outside of my bedroom. Hearing the slamming of doors one after another, the sound waves are now traveling across the first dissociative layer towards the third, converting the sound from the physical realm into this alternative realm instead. In this alternative realm, I find myself in a cold, lifeless and brutal place, as the scene has now changed to the towers. Still being in the bedroom on my bed, but right now, I am sitting instead. That same blue foggy atmosphere envelopes my presence again in this underground industrial site, as I hear crushing mechanical sounds from the distance. This is the central area of all spaces.

The Sunset Area
Walking out of my bedroom and into the living room downstairs, the scene has changed to a late afternoon scene. I then realized that I have skipped through a time gap. The living room with full-length windows across the entire wall is now merged with the sunset area. This is located above ground and I decided to sit on the floor, looking out at the windows for the sunset. I feel that peace and calmness over me once again, as I am sitting in this place, being part of the pool room in solitary. This place is part of the second home in this alternative realm, facing towards the backyard. There is this beautiful scene before me, the golden rays of sunset beating upon the soft grass outside of the windows. The wind blowing gently across the field, where these strands of nature dance together in harmony. The remaining lights are then penetrating through the windows, inside of this pool room. As the hour is getting late, it grows darker, so much that I now can only behold the shadows. The nightfall has given me a bittersweet sensation eventually.

The Lounge Room
The electric lighting in this pool room has switched on one by one in lightning speed right now. I stood up and the scene has changed to the lounge room. This is also part of the second home, including all other function rooms are being merged with the identical rooms in the physical realm. I went over to the sofa and while I am sitting in the physical realm, I find myself sitting in this alternative realm at the same time. This dimly lit space has increased in size, so as the sofa over the beige carpeted ground. I can no longer see the surrounding furniture, but a room of emptiness. There are no windows and the indoors lighting is turned off. Lying down on the L-shaped couch, I take a nap and close my eyes.

The Dining Room
Waking up in the middle of the night, leaving the couch, I head towards the kitchen for a cup of coffee, because I do not feel like eating today. As soon as I stepped into the kitchen area, the scene has changed to the dining room at the third floor, from the ground level lounge room. Both the dining room and kitchen are at the same place, facing towards the four levels high pool room through a row of full-length windows, connected at the longer side of the pool room. I look through the glass panel, where I am able to gaze at the pool room and its white tiled ground, even the depth of the pool that goes for another sixteen meters below ground. I can see the windows of the pool room through this inner window. The windows over there comes in an incredible height of sixteen meters, spanning continuously from the entire forty meters width of the wall to the other sixty meters side of the wall halfway. Holding a cup of coffee, I sit on the chair at the dining area. Out of this narrow rectangular room, like all other levels, is connected with the carpeted corridors and lift, which travels to the tenth floor; the highest level and to the ground level’s atrium entrance.

The Bedroom
I enter into the bedroom, which is at the tenth level in this residential building, the original bedroom in the physical realm has expanded in this alternative realm. The bedroom here is covered in beige carpet, with the size of five by ten meters. At the left hand side is the door, while I am on my bed right now and at the right hand side is the bathroom suite, then in front of me is the walk-in wardrobe. I close my eyes and sleep.

The Upstairs Walkway
When the clock strikes at midnight, while the number of nurses taking shifts have been reduced, I went out of the clinical ward and into the corridor at night alone, while most are already asleep right now. I sit down on the cold hard ground, lying my back against the wall, with lights only coming from the office area in the distance and looking out at the corridor’s windows, the sky is now pitch black. I started dissociating again and this scene has changed to the upstairs walkway. This is the balustraded centre walkway within the central area of the industrial site, as known as the towers. I started walking slowly in this hospital corridor that is merged with this walkway, which is suspended in the midst of the site, of approximately at least a hundred meters above the towers base. This long walkway is made of steel, it is fenced on both sides and the perforated metal flooring is as narrow as being less than two meters wide. Beyond this fenced walkway on the left and the right are voids, of what I can notice below is the top view of the scattered buildings in the central industrial site. It took me quite a time to reach towards the end of this walkway, under that same dark blue foggy atmosphere.

The Mechanical Pathway
Reaching towards the end of this seemingly endless walkway, there is a walled entry, leading to the mechanical pathway. Gaining access through the closed factory doorway, still walking on this same perforated metal walkway, at the right side of me is now a lit-up concrete wall in grey and at the left side of me, I can see moving mechanics; of box-like solids on a railway with many robotic handles on its surfaces. As I keep walking, I can see the supporting structure in steel beams.

The Night Chamber
At the end of this shorter pathway, I open of another doorway again towards the void platform. I am coming back to this place, across the lengthy platform, in order to arrive at the edge of a hazardous spot. Looking below from this unfenced area is actually where the night chamber is located. The moment I sat down at the hospital’s corridor again in the physical realm, in this alternative realm, I see that I am at the bottom part of the void. I then look up skyward in this partially enclosed space, of an unknown size with dark grey walls. I am aware that looking up at the black sky would actually be the direction of the platform I was in. I can see, however, something more through the steel framed ceiling of small squares that are laid bare. At the upper view through the open ceiling, twelve meters above me, on the left side, there is a massive facade. There are the robotic handles and electric lighting, when they are seen faraway, it is like beholding stars that are shining brightly in the black sky. It gives me that same peaceful and calm sensation again as well as feeling contained. The next morning when the hospital’s corridor is starting to flood with daylight again through the windows, at the hour not even passed beyond six, a nurse with a flashing light in his hand, searching around the corridor, I finally got caught in the middle of the corridor, like deer in the headlights. This male nurse looks at me with a disappointed facial expression and from this time forward, I am locked up in the hospital for at least a month, against my will. Taking medication is not an option as well, because the nurse would not leave, until I am forced to take all of the prescribed tablets and pills from the doctor.

The Abandoned Hall
There is a fierce inner battle on a moment by moment basis, even after the time I was being discharged. I have started self-harming when I was ten years old and it got worse at the age of fifteen until right now at the age of twenty-three, as the frequency has often been on a daily basis and the duration has been for six hours straight, at the maximum record so far. I feel a strong urge to cut my wrists and thighs with a razor blade tonight, while sitting at the ground of the empty carpark area at home alone. The concrete walls and flooring has switched the scene to the abandoned hall right now, turning into beige carpeted flooring instead. I then find myself in this massive unfurnished dimly lit space in flame colored lighting, with rows of round concrete columns in front of me, towering to the height of twelve meters to the ceiling. There are escalators leading to an open balcony at the second level and behind are many vacant rooms.

The Atrium
Dripping my blood across the carpark back in the physical realm, it continued to spread across the floor, when I entered into my house, the entrance has turned into the atrium, which is the entry of the second home in the alternative realm. The entire front entrance of this building is covered in full-length glass panels, walking further inside the twelve meters high atrium is the lift and around this place are doors to many other rooms.

The Bathroom
The scene has changed again to the bathroom, as I entered into the bathroom in the physical realm, simultaneously, I am using the bathroom, as usual, to manage the wounds with butterfly strips, antiseptic liquid and ointment, medical tapes, various types of bandages and sizes of dressings in the pseudo-physical realm.