I see my psychologist, in which I would call her my therapist on a weekly basis and sometimes, bi-weekly basis, meaning twice per week. While, I would see my psychiatrist on a fortnightly basis. Right now, I was being told that I need long-term therapy that will lasts for years.
Since this is a page, I will briefly quote some of the sayings that my therapist has told me during the therapy sessions, when we were working on the trauma. Then, in the later posts, I will further out the details, that pertains to the therapy room. I will call her by her initials, A.M., for confidential reasons.
I told my therapist that I am a toy and that I am humiliation. My therapist then explained to me that the reason I have grown to love being hurt and humiliated is, paradoxically, as a way of survival, so that I will not be further shattered by the trauma.
I am glad that I am able to have a really caring therapist. She also said:
My therapist, when we were in the room together, she often reassures me that I am safe with her, that no one is going to harm me and that there is no humiliation to happen in this room in her office. Despite all of her reassurance, I am still learning to trust her, because it hurts to be cared for so much.
There was another time in the therapy room, where she said:
I told my therapist that it is frightening to no longer be hurt and humiliated anymore and to feel joy and being loved for the very first time. She then responded me that it makes sense that healing is extremely excruciating for me, because pain has become my comfort zone and what is new to me would be scary.