Before heading to the “Reprogramming Series“, we would like to introduce ourselves, to let you know the one who wrote it, that we do not just talk the talk, but have walked the walk also.
We have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, because we have encountered all types of traumas for an extended period of time, whether it was physical, sexual, verbal or psychological. We have been traumatized for at least over a decade, from early childhood, to childhood, through to adolescence until adulthood.
A Different Level of Pain
We have been through a different level of pain and unspeakable trauma. The void within us can only be described more accurately, through architectural terms, because no words can justify it. It can be depicted through space, of its length, width, depth and height, the intensity and colors of lighting, the sound ambiance, atmosphere, materiality, objects and so on. The pseudo-hallucination section shows that the places were not mapped out randomly, but there is symbolism behind what our mind has instinctively created it.
The Countless of Perpetrators
We have lost our count of the number of perpetrators that have traumatized us. Many of the occasions has been whole groups of people traumatizing us. We have learnt by experience, that our deep-seated mistrust is not something that is out of reason and logic, as a result. Trauma can also be caused by natural disasters, car accidents or terrorism. However, our complex trauma was caused by an imbalanced power dynamic within a relationship. We have been traumatized by all types of people, both outsiders and insiders, including those who are supposed to care for us.
We Are Always Splitting
We use the plural form and the one who is writing this page is not the core. We are a poly-fragmented system and we switch identities, in order to dissociate from traumatic pain. We have been splitting inside, as long as we have lived.
We have been programmed as objects, instead of a human being. We have been treated less than an animal, as what our psychologist described. We have been having acute sense of worthlessness and our earliest suicidal history was at the age of ten. We are fortunate to be alive today.
Extreme Traumatic Humiliation
We have known very well and tasted every bit of how humiliation feels like. We have experienced horrendous public humiliation. Humiliation to us personally, is one of the most extreme emotion that a human being can experience.
Decades of Extreme Trauma
We have been traumatized our entire life, for around two decades. Right now, we are just in our twenties. We have faced trauma on a daily basis for many years. Our psychologist told us that what we have been through was extreme.